Monday, July 1, 2013

We survived the first week!

Well, we survived the first week together! Everyone is alive, has been fed and still talking to each other…success!

It definitely does NOT feel normal yet, and I know it will take some time. Honestly, right now it feels as though I am just housing some girls for a bit and then they will leave. But they won’t actually leave. This is my new life. Overwhelming, exciting and hard. I know that I said “yes” to this, fully aware of the challenges and the sacrifices that will have to made, but it doesn’t make it any easier. However, one thing I have learned: When God leads me on a path where there is fear, doubt, stretching and crying in the night questioning if He really thinks that I can do this……He ALWAYS comes through. I wake up feeling His new mercies, there is strength when I thought I had nothing left, and He sends multiple blessings along the way. We always question God when we are the midst of pain and struggle…always wondering what the ultimate purpose is. I have been given new eyes. When I glance back on the journey I have been on, even this first week with the girls, there is a confidence in God that would never be present in my life if it wasn’t for the things I walked through in my life up to this point.

It’s like childbirth. The pain, the struggle, the pushing…..and then a beautiful blessing. The first time you don’t know what to expect. It’s new, so intense and I’m sure it feels like the pain will never end (I’m assuming here since I have never given childbirth). But then you have a second or maybe a third, and with every birthing experience you know that there will be pain. You are fully aware of the pain you will walk through and can recall your past experience to provide confidence to keep moving forward until that baby is there, melting in the calming relief of holding the blessing.

So it is with our life. With every experience I believe that God is preparing us for the next thing…and we need to be able to look back and see how we pushed out the baby before.

I am remembering all the times that I have had to PUSH in the past as I am here with 3 teenage girls (soon to be 4). I had no idea how emotional that it was going to be for me the first week that they were here. I was crying because I was so happy they were here, crying because of all the hard work leading up to this point, crying because I was lonely, crying because I wanted space…..well, you name it, I was crying about it! Want me to be honest? Ok, I was really crying because I was grieving what once was and will not be for a while. Selfish I know. Here I am, thinking about me and what I  am losing….when I have 3 teenagers who have lost so much, who haven’t had a voice in years, over 30+ placements….and all I can think about is ME.

Funny how when all of the sudden it’s not about you anymore, that all you can think about is YOU! It has been about me for 30 years. Being single and no kids you don’t have to worry or think about anyone else. I haven’t lived with anyone since 2005. I have always thought about what a HUGE adjustment it would be to get married after 30 (or more, oh God please don’t make it 40) years alone….well, yup…it’s gonna be tough. I think God is showing favor on my husband as He has me walk through this first J

My selfishness has smacked me in the face this week. It’s like I have mirrors now all over.

But the mirrors that I have are wonderful. They are 3 strong, beautiful, courageous girls. They have pushed more than I ever have or will ever have to. They have lost parents, family members, been torn down, given up on and never thought that they would make it alive to 18. There is a sober face when they talk about where they have been, but radiate and beam when they talk about where they are GOING. There is a sense of pride that has been absent for so long.

We have joined hands this week, laughed and cried. We are ready to walk this road together. There will be many moans and groans from all the pushing that will have to occur….but in the end there will be the most spectacular blessing.